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2003-11-15 - 2:43 p.m.
Time To Say Something

...story of my life, lately! I'm not known for speaking my mind, although I've been told I need to be. I don't know how soon that will change, it's hard to imagine having more of a *spine*.

Anyway, the time has come when I need to speak up to my MIL and let her know that what I've decided for myself and my daughters is *my* decision. Yes, I've had threats of having the cops called on me if I should go through with my plans, and while that scares me, I'm not wavering this time. I'm 38 years old, have NEVER been able to make my *own* decisions (as far as my family and IL's goes), so I think it's time. My mom, bless her heart, is very much behind me. I know it's been hard for her to have her house in an upheaval for the past couple of months, since she is pretty much used to things the way she has them. On the other hand, I've got my MIL who says she wants to *discuss* my decision. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing to discuss.

You can say I've been on the verge of being certifiable for the past couple of months. My marriage is in total upheaval, despite the fact that I thought things were going well. I *hoped* things were going well, at any rate. Do I still hope so? Well, the optomist in me says all things can be worked out, but after 15 years of the same promises being made and broken, I'm becoming increasingly pessimistic. I do still love my husband, the father of my daughters, my supposed *life partner* and soul mate. How mocking those terms seem at this moment!

I've really, really been through hell. I find that hard to say, since I know so many other women have it worse than I do. But, I've got two daughters to raise, and I've got to be a positive example for them. I would say to my MIL, if she read this, that she has NO idea what I've been through. Sure, she saw some of our less wonderful moments, having to physically remove someone from our home who refused to leave. But she has no idea of the phone calls, chat room conversations, phone sex, how I've had certain videos flaunted in my face, how I've been cut down, belittled, taunted, degraded, insulted, and left to paint a smile on my face and pretend nothing bad has happened. I would dare her to walk a mile in my shoes, and see how SHE likes it. I don't want to hear what *she* thinks is right. She doesn't know a damn thing about trying to survive a marriage like that.

I worry every day for my girls, since I know how much they miss their daddy. I worry about how changing schools yet again is going to affect them. I worry about their future, about their self-images and who they're going to end up spending the rest of their lives with. I know this is all natural stuff to worry about, I wouldn't be a proper mom if I didn't. I know, though, that starting now, I can help make a positive effect on them. I can be involved in their lives, and give them all the love I can.

My love and prayers go out to Cory and Jim today, since their Little Bo has decided to make his/her appearance! I wish you both a lifetime of happiness, starting with today...one of the most important and thrilling days of their lives!

Also, I want to thank Vicki, Jen and Cory for being there, and for being INCREDIBLY patient with me. I couldn't make it without you guys, I hope you know how much I appreciate you! I look forward to some quality time with you all.

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