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2003-12-11 - 10:15 a.m. Since I decided to leave Mike, I've been pondering what my choices are in life. Do I stay married and risk having things go back the same way they were, or do I move on with my life and get divorced? At first, divorce was the furthest thing from my mind, but as the days go on, and I see how happy the girls and I could be, filing becomes more of a possibility. It's great to not have to answer to anyone, not to worry about someone looking over my shoulder, scrutinizing my every move. But, I still cringe when the phone rings, dreading that it's Mike calling. I hate feeling that way, but it's probably going to take a while to get over. I can't believe I would have ever felt this way toward my husband...my lover, my best friend, my soul mate, the father of my two beautiful daughters. What our marriage has become is not what I wish to live the rest of my life with, nor what I wish the girls to grow up with...so I'm going to seek a divorce. Saying this out loud still makes me cry, after all, I swore to myself that I'd stay married for life. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is almost paralyzing for me, the thought of change. How will it affect the girls, knowing their parents are getting a divorce? I know they are safe and happy, with all of the love we have around us, and I hope that they will someday understand the risk I took, getting away from all of that abuse. I also hope they understand why I made this decision. No, it's not from being *talked into* getting a divorce, or just leaving, but from realizing something had to be done. I love those two daughters of mine so much, it hurts my heart! I want them to have the best in life, and want for nothing. I'm a child of divorce myself, and I know how hard it can be, doing without, or being embarrassed in front of kids in school because we couldn't afford my lunch money. I also know that it sucks, finding out later that my parents put a front on what was going on, and saying my dad was *going to school*, so he had to get an apartment of his own. All in all, though, I guess that was better than the alternative....my parents fighting constantly, being stuck in the middle. I'm glad that Mike is in the military, though, and he *will* support the girls. Trying to think ahead a year or so, it just seems so scary!! This is truly a HUGE step, moreso than actually *getting* married was. I think that once I get my legal stuff covered, I'll feel better. The thought of losing my girls horrifies me, and it's not something I take lightly. I just don't trust Mike when he says he'd like to see the girls, and he'd send them back to me. I know he wants to see them, and certainly has a right to, but it's difficult to come up with a compromise. Basically, I don't want to be alone with him or his family for fear of opening myself up for an endless stream of questions and judgement. I don't feel that I have anyone to apologize to or answer to in making the decision to end my marriage. I've given all of me, for 18 years, but now it's time to reclaim myself. I'm not exactly sure how that will come about, but I'm feeling hopeful about it. Vicki, Jen, and Cory have been SO wonderful and supportive, letting me decide for myself what I want to do. I know truly that no matter what, I have their support and love...that's such a wondeful thing, too, and so needed! I know this isn't going to be an easy thing to do, but thank God I have them to lean on...and I hope I can be there as much for them, should they need me. I miss my cat, I miss my beautiful herbs that I finally had success with. I miss the warm weather, the beach, the warm sun on my skin. I miss those dreams I had as a little girl, to be loved and needed and wanted and respected by someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Life will be good, though, I just know it will. Sign My Tag Board
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