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2004-01-05 - 3:52 a.m.
In Good Faith

I can honestly say that yesterday was one of the worst days in my life...if not *the* worst. My girls didn't come back on the flight to Chicago. Why not? Well, it seems that Mike has taken it upon himself to fly the girls back with him to Hawaii.

I just don't know where to begin on this...I DO know one thing for sure, though, that I'm NOT going back to him. I'm sure that in his own twisted way, this is his attempt to force me to come back, but it's not going to work that way.

I could sit here and go on about how empty I feel, how numb I feel, and basically shut down, emotionally. But, I know that I have to be strong to get my girls back. I WANT them back, not like Mike, who is merely using them as pawns in his sick game. At this point, I have less than little respect for him, if any at all. Not only that, but I have so many questions...like, who gave him the money to take my girls from me? What the hell was this person thinking....that this would get us back together, and life would be just rosy again?? Do they think that Maddy and Rachel deserve to be with such a mentally unstable man?

Yes, legally, he's their father, and is entitled to have them as much as I am. But I put them on that plane to Knoxville to him *in good faith*...thinking that he wouldn't pull such a ignorant stunt as NOT returning the girls to me when their vacation was over, and putting the girls in the middle as usual. Not only that, but he sent me an affidavit drawn up by Navy Legal, saying essentially that I had custody of them, and he would have custody of them during their vacation, and he would return them to me yesterday. Maybe I was a total ass to think that this piece of paper was legally binding...it's looking to me that the civillian world says it isn't.

How I wish that I hadn't put Maddy and Rachel on that plane....I was just trying to be nice to Mike, and let him have them for the holidays. This is where it ends, though, I have no doubt of that. I don't want to even speak to him, ever. I just want SO MUCH to cuddle with Rachel, and just listen to her go on about lizards and creepy stuff. And I want to be able to put my arms around Maddy, listening to her talk about the smart things she comes up with about life. I wonder what he's put into their heads, to make them think that this is a good thing, and that life is going to be happily ever after. I just want to cry when I think about my beautiful, precious daughters, there without Mommy to hold them and sing to them and tell them just how much she loves them. I want them to know that what Daddy is doing is NOT a good thing, and I want them to understand why Mommy wanted to get them out of such a bad situation.

This is going to be hard, I know, so hard. Not only on me, but on my friends and family as well. I thank God that I have each and every one of them to help see me through this nightmare, though. I don't need Mike's family's support or approval, I can see that, finally. From here on out, I'm going to do what I can, legally, to get Maddy and Rachel back to me, where they belong.

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